Recently I was driving my partner to her first of 10 sessions of Radiation therapy for cancer.
I asked her how she was feeling.
She replied “I am scared”
A chill went down my spine, and for a moment I caught myself not breathing. I couldn’t even put myself in her shoes to know how she was feeling, I felt humbled and put my hand on hers.
The day was cloudy, but warm the car was cool..
We spent some time speaking about the treatments and what support she felt she needed.
We had a roster with a couple of good friends to drive her to the treatments as they were consecutive days.
It was time for the team to “Rise Up” and support Jeanie in her challenge by giving 100% support to enable her to go through the treatments with the greatest of ease as was possible.
I was reflecting on what being afraid meant.
Being afraid is…
(According to the Oxford Dictionary) being frightened, feeling fear or anxiety
Clearly that day I knew she was frightened it was palpable, I remember thinking how courageous she was to be able to articulate that to me.
What I have found is that being scared and being able to identify and express emotion are two very different things.
The emotion of “being afraid” or “frightened” is often expressed as anger, misguided maybe.
Some of my clients have told me that they have found it easier to express anger, or they didn’t recognize that they were in fact feeling afraid.
I believe that being able to identify the emotion of being frightened, and truly express it requires a deep understanding of self.
Then add another layer “Is it safe for me to express what I feel”
Both of these emotions elicit very different responses or reactions from the person receiving the communication called “Anger” Or “Being Afraid”
What I have observed over many years is that unless you are self-aware, these different emotions catch you off guard, and throw you in a spin.
At that time the individual is coming from a place of not knowing.
This is why the feelings are misinterpreted to mean something else.
It can be quite crazy-making, to have all this unexpressed emotion and not be able to adequately identify and manage it.
The emotion builds up through lack of expression and finally, you can’t hold onto these feelings anymore and they present as anger or rage.
Confrontation is upon us as we attempt to unpack what just happened.
Bewilderment follows as you wonder why you are not getting the support you need to get through a potentially tough situation.
Suddenly we go into defense mode, survival of the fittest.
Miscommunication at its best playing out and unraveling at a great rate at our feet.
Imagine if you will me and Jeanie in the car on the way to her radiation treatment.
If she started yelling at me expressing anger, suggesting I am driving too fast or we are going to be late… there is so much to this story that could potentially change our relationship.
My clients have told me stories, where everything was fine one minute and the next it was in tatters.
For most of my adult life, I have been working on developing and deepening my self-awareness.
Here is what I have found to be true:
I always remember to check in with myself especially if my emotions are heightened.
I do that by placing my right hand on my chest, and asking myself “What is it I need?”
I then pause and breathe. This enables me to unpack, in the moment, what I am feeling and what I need to do to get the support to express myself clearly.
I call this the “Pause Method”
This method allows me to respond rather than react.
It enables me to identify what I am feeling.
Has my life always been like this?
No, anger was my go-to in my younger years.
I learned anger from my father at a young age. He was not good at being vulnerable and expressing his “being afraid”
Modeling my father’s behavior, and expressing myself through anger left me confused, I couldn’t understand why my communication with others felt misguided.
Through many personal development programs, 1:1 therapy sessions, and several years of training as a Psychotherapist I created the Pause Method.
The Pause Method requires diligence, consistency, and deep self-awareness.
Life is easier, relationships work better once you learn to respond rather than react.
When you learn this art, you have the capacity to not only deepen your self-awareness, you deepen your communication with others.
It is my belief that anyone who has a massive desire to be more understood in their relationships, can learn this art.
All you need is to be a willing student, take the time to practice the “Pause Method”
It has the ability to change your life if you put the work in and make it happen.
This is why Jeanie knew and was able to identify deep in her soul that she was afraid and scared of going to her radiation treatment.
She has been a keen student of personal development for many years.
I invite you to commit to being the student and learning the art of response rather than having an emotional reaction without thought.
Take the time required to identify the feeling then act accordingly.
It works.